Announcing the future of our services

I’m happy to announce that, on the day of this blog post’s release, our services are partnering with big tech to make our services even better! With companies like Google, Microsoft, Meta Facebook, X Twitter, Fandom, Cloudflare, Discord, Tencent, the CIA, and the KGB, we’ll be evolving technology like never before.

With the brand new SHIT™ (patent pending) technology, our websites load 0.00000000001 seconds faster! We have also ported all our existing web software into PHP, and our future apps will now be made with Assembly and WinForms (no support for 32-bit, Mac, or Linux planned, but for mobile, we’ll be exclusively supporting Windows Phones!) Our future chat room will also be hosted exclusively on Facebook Messenger!

We’re also going to be updating our Terms of Conditions and Privacy Policy. Instead of respecting your privacy and treating you like a human being, we’re going to be moving into the future and collect every scrap of data we possibly can. To further improve our services, of course. We have absolutely no plans to sell it or give it to the government, promise!

To reflect these changes, we’re going to be switching out our frontends to better and more quality services. Instead of Invidious, Piped, Beatbump, Hyperpipe, Cobalt, and Poke, we’ll be replacing it with just one: OurTube™©. This revolutionary service, which is not at all a rebranded app that we just got off of a burner flip phone, you can experience YouTube like it was meant to be: constantly buffering videos in 144p. Oh, and with 50 unskippable ad breaks.

YouTube isn’t the only one! We’re also going to be replacing RedLib with Google Usenet Groups, SearXNG and 4get with Bing and Ask Jeeves, and BreezeWiki with Fandom (but with even more ads and somehow even worse writing)

Of course, even though they’re Fortune 500 companies and have billions of dollars, we can’t do this all for free. That’s why we’ve been inspired by Adobe and JetBrains to implement our innovative pricing model! For an incredibly low fee of $199.99 a month, you get access to all our services! (For 1 hour a day. Restrictions apply.) If that doesn’t suit your needs, you can buy unlimited access to just one of our services. For one update, until we change our minds and revoke your license. Oh, and if you want a refund, you’ll have to pay $499.99 for it.

We hope that you enjoy our brand new services, and that you stay tuned for more! Because from here on out, April 1st is going to be a day known for innovating technology!

~ ggtyler

(with partnership with Google, Microsoft, Meta Facebook, Twitter X, blah blah blah, oh and also IronSource and whoever those shady spyware companies are)